Emergence: The other side of Venus Retrograde

FB placard

I know, I know, Facebook placards, RIGHT?!  But I couldn’t help myself, I had to do it, I looked over and reached for the book nearest me, which happened to be Lee Lehman’s very excellent Book of Rulerships (a book detailing which planets have been known to rule which experiences since Ptolemy).  On the inside of my copy Lee has inscribed “Wonder – Best, best wishes!” but I can’t imagine this is what she meant, since when I turned to page 45 this is what greeted my eyes:

Bitter Venus

HAHAHAHA I know, serves me right.  DUH.  But though this spoke volumes to me, it’s not technically a paragraph, so I felt justified in turning to the next closest book to me, which happened to be Arielle Guttman’s Venus Star Rising.  Surely a book dedicated to dear, sweet Venus, the planet in charge of love, would be kinder to me, right?  You might think so, but N O.

Darkside of Venus

Can you read that?  Here, let me spell it out for you: “The only demonic implication of the Venus Star is that when what it represents – light and love – becomes blocked or destroyed by people, its dark side, which is fear, emerges.  It is, after all, people’s fears that have created demons.”

I suppose it’s a good sign that I busted up laughing over this.  And not hysterical crying-on-the-inside laughing, but genuine good old belly laughing.  You see, I can own that it’s true.  This IS my love life.  This is exactly what I’ve created for myself.  Straight up truth is almost always the funniest thing there is.

But if I’d tried this experiment two years ago and got the same results it wouldn’t have made me laugh.  I would have been sick to my stomach over it.  The difference is that two years ago I couldn’t own the fact that I’ve created this, I was still somehow looking to foist it off on my chart, on the Universe, on my ex, on anyone and anything but myself.

The last few months have been hard, I cannot tell a lie.  This Venus retrograde started out badly for me, and only got worse as it went on.  But we’re on the other side of it now, can you feel it?  I can.  Adam Gainsburg calls this part of the retrograde period Emergence, because Venus is growing brighter and brighter in the morning sky, having just emerged from a period of invisibility as her orbit took her between the earth and the sun.

And I can feel something’s shifted.  I’m still mulling over the epiphanies and revelations and they’ve not worked their way yet into my corpuscles or bones, but I can see it’s time for some changes around here.  I can’t stay in my 12th house forever, just because my Venus is trapped there.  I AM NOT MY VENUS, DAMMIT.

Maybe Venus isn’t hitting you quite so hard as it is me, but I’d be willing to bet there’s some place in your life where you’ve been dealing with some latent pain and I’m telling you, it’s time to let it go, my friend.  Just let it go.  You don’t need it.

Release!  Shine bright, my Little Morning Stars, it’s time to come out!

Vanity Take One

OMG you guys.  After posting yesterday I was thinking really hard about love and creating it, and it put me in mind of this video I made a few years ago.  Watching it made me laugh really hard, and feel very fondly for my tough little heart going through all the awful things I’ve put it through over the years.

I made this video three years after the very worst break-up of my entire life (and trust me, that’s saying something).  I was just beginning to remember who I was, who I was really, and it was starting to feel like that might actually be a good thing.  I was smoking quite a lot of pot at the time too, so that helped tremendously.

So today’s post is brought to you by me at 37, by way of illustrating how I began disciplining my heart to feel love for myself, no matter how silly or strange or awkward I might be (which turns out to be a fair amount as it happens).

On the other side of heartbreak

I’ve been single for going on five years now.  And truthfully, really more like nine with a six month detour just to make sure.  HOLY SHIT.  Eight years?  Is that right?  …yep.  Eight years, I did the math.  For a long time it really bothered me.  The loneliness which loomed all through my adolescence was much harder to keep at bay when I lived alone as an adult.  And then somewhere in there, probably right about the time Pluto transited my 12th house Venus, something snapped.

I’ve always liked – no, needed to spend a lot of time alone, but for years, decades really, much of my time alone was spent thinking about other people, fantasizing imaginary conversations, revising actual ones, real co-dependent stalker stuff.  And then finally, just a couple years ago, the elastic band couldn’t stretch anymore.  It snapped.  It stopped.  Silence.  Blissful silence.

Rom-coms are still my favorite movie genre, there’s nothing I like better than watching two people overcome their fear of being seen by someone and releasing into seeing.  I like being around couples, I think it’s one of the best, most bravest things to do, to love someone.  Mad respect to anyone engaged in that act, honestly and genuinely working to know and be known.  I even miss it, but the pursuit of it or the lack of it no longer drives me.

Like a lot of people I fell down as a child and bumped my heart pretty hard.  And it took a long time to heal, mostly because my approach was just dead off.  If you have a sunburn you can’t heal it by trying to fix the sun.  If you have a broken heart you can’t heal it by trying to fix other people or trying to get them to love you.  The worst part of this essential truth is that it’s totally obvious.  ONCE YOU SEE IT.  But seeing it – and sometimes you have to see it a hundred kajillion times before it really truly sticks – is much harder than it should be.

I’ve spent a lot of money to get people to tell me the same damned thing over and over until I finally took it in.  I’d bet money there’s someone reading these words right now thinking they don’t apply to to him or her when they do.  I know that because that used to be me.  I never could have imagined that being happy on my own really was the only way to be happy.  If you can’t be happy on your own than how are you ever going to be happy with someone else?  And if you’re happy on your own than what do you need someone else for?

Trick question.  Love and need are not the same thing.  I’m happy on my own but now I know I could be happy with someone else too.  I just don’t need someone else to be happy.

I used to think I knew everything about love, and now I know I know nothing.  I know all I need to know and it’s nothing.  And it’s the most beautiful glorious nothing I ever encountered.  It’s all mine, but I can share.